01

my family is in an eighteenth-line small town in Shanxi.

Dad is very vague in my memory.

he is a contractor. He runs with the construction team all over the country and is away from home all the year round.

most of my impression of him comes from a picture. He wore dirty overalls and drank with some of his co-workers with a broken beard.

feels like he should make a lot of money. When I was a child, the family did not have the impression of being too poor.

my mother is very beautiful. She works as a salesperson in the mall and likes to buy beautiful clothes.

Grandpa was no longer alive at that time. Grandma took care of my brother and me, and we lived a decent life.

one day when I was 10 years old, my mother suddenly answered a phone call and fainted on the spot.

Grandma hurriedly pinched people before she got over it.

the first thing my mother opened her eyes was, "No, the father is gone."

02

my father is the backbone of the family. Without him, my family's life plummeted.

of course, for my brother and me, it was not obvious at first.

it's just that there are no new clothes and pocket money for the Spring Festival.

in fact, life at home was already beginning to be difficult at that time.

in the winter of 1999, Grandma pushed a cart and went out to sell pancakes to support the family.

every day after school, I can see her, hanging a greasy apron, making pancakes for others.

if someone else does it all morning, she can stand all day.

later, my classmate found out.

A very good friend said, alas? Isn't that your grandma? I went to sea to do business.

as a matter of fact, my friend was just joking, but it was particularly uncomfortable to hear it in my ears.

in the evening, I said to my grandmother that you should move to the back street, where there are so many people getting off work.

Grandma said, are you ashamed of me?

I dare not look at her.

Children always think that adults can't see small thoughts, but in fact, they all leak out in their eyes.

from the next day, Grandma never showed up on my way out of school, but went out earlier every day.

once, I asked my mother why Grandma left so early.

my mother said that Grandma had moved to a long road and had to leave early to get a seat.

at that moment, I looked out of the window at the dark winter morning and suddenly felt a little sorry to Grandma.

03

then it was 2000.

in my memory, the winter of that year was very cold. When I came back from school, I heard the quarrel at home far away.

as soon as I walked into the door, I saw Grandma slap my mother in the face.

she shouted with red eyes that she would not have anything to do with her surname Gu!

I looked at my mother, who covered her cheek, and rushed over and said, Why did you hit my mother?

the one named Gu mentioned by Grandma, I've seen it before.

I heard that I was in real estate, and I often went shopping with my mother. It was rumored that he was chasing my mother.

my mother is very young and beautiful. If you are in your 30s, you are in your 20s.

I don't want my mother to be nice to others, but I can't watch my mother get beat up. A daughter is born to protect her mother.

I said to my grandmother, is my mother so young that she can't fall in love again?

Grandma was shaking with anger.

she pointed at me and said, you don't know anything!

04

that day, I was afraid that my grandmother would do it again, and my younger brother was always with my mother.

at that time, my younger brother was still in primary school, foolishly moved a stool to block the door, sat and fell asleep.

my mother pulled me to talk.

she said I was old enough to understand her.

she said that after she married my father, she didn't have a few days of reunion.

all these years, she is the one who supports the family by taking care of the old and the young. Now it's not easy for someone to like her, but grandma blocks her.

my mother cried as she spoke. I also accompanied her to tears.

later that weekend, my mother took me to the newly opened video game city to play games.

my brother and I were so happy that day.

after I got home, I deliberately showed off the won fluffy bear in front of my grandmother.

Grandma kept a straight face and ignored us.

in retrospect, it was really ridiculous.

I am like a fool immersed in colorful bubbles. I don't know that disillusionment is just an instant.

05

National Day.

I remember very clearly. Grandma gave me 50 yuan to go to my classmate's house for two days.

I was so happy at that time that when I got home, I found that my mother and brother were gone.

all the things that belong to them are gone. I grabbed my grandmother and asked where the people had gone.

Grandma said, didn't you let your mother fall in love freely?

I immediately reacted, and tears rushed out of my eyes.

I said, are you deliberately fooling me out to play so that she can't find me? You just want my mom to leave me!

I shook her arm desperately and asked her to take me to my mother.

Grandma sat motionless, her eyes red.

and I cried even more.

all the children are unwilling to admit that they have been abandoned by their mother.

I don't want to admit that my mother only loves my brother but not me.

I can only blame grandma for all my unwillingness.

06

the man surnamed Gu does business in Taiyuan.

after my mother followed him, she had no contact with us anymore.

I asked my grandmother why my mother didn't come to see me.

and she will coldly drop a word, you will not be such a mother.

but grandma doesn't talk, there are always people who talk about it.

I later heard that the man surnamed Gu had a family and two daughters. After my mom went there, he didn't get divorced.

my mother has always been a mistress.

this kind of scandal makes me feel so inferior that I can't hold my head up in front of people.

inferiority sometimes makes people cowardly, sometimes it makes people paranoid.

I am the latter.

Grandma broke her heart for me.

after graduating from high school, I went straight to a vocational secondary school. If you say that you are studying as a business secretary, you are actually a jerk.

07

in 2004, I got in touch with my brother.

he doesn't know how to find my QQ.

my brother has grown into a very good-looking big boy.

tall, white and clean.

I haven't seen you for many years, but we had a very intimate chat. He also asked about his grandmother's health and said that he missed us very much.

how can Grandma and I not be short of money?

but I have my self-esteem, which is impossible.

she partnered with her neighbors to do it. An old lady doesn't close the stall until 2: 00 a. M. every day.

now in retrospect, I really want to cry and slap myself.

trampling on Grandma's hard work and hard work so easily.

every time Grandma looks at my report card, she always looks disappointed. She said, "you, can't you cheer me up?"

once I choked her, your grandson is so proud now that he doesn't need me.

Grandma's face darkened in an instant.

08

in 2005, I had a boyfriend. I always scold him and beat him.

he said that I, you are a pervert. The nicer you are to you, the more you bully others!

We talked for three months.

now I can hardly remember what he looks like. But I always remember this sentence.

I was right by him.

this is probably the case with people who are arrogant because of inferiority complex.

subconsciously, always choose the person who loves you most and doesn't know how to fight back to hurt.

after graduating from technical secondary school, the school arranged to work as a waitress for 500 a month.

I resigned after working for three months and played with people in society.

once, we drank too much and went to a factory in the middle of the night to steal. And then security found out. I ran for my life.

but after drinking, where can I run? as a result, I was the only one who was held down by the security guard.

I began to struggle, get drunk and beg, but I had to call the police for everything they said.

just then, Grandma came.

she was just closing the stall and heard my voice from a distance.

she ran over breathlessly, knelt at the guard's feet, hugged her thighs and cried:

"I beg you, let my granddaughter go. She's too young to go in and ruin it. I'm begging you! "

in an instant, I was sober.

maybe it's too shocking.

I did not expect that my grandmother, who had been strong all her life, would kneel down and beg for me.

I pulled her arm, and I said, get up, don't beg him, I deserve it. Get up!

Grandma didn't listen at all, but kept begging to let me go.

09

Grandma limped on the way back.

she knelt so fast that she hurt her knee.

I held her, with tears of remorse all over my face.

under the street lamp, every silver wire is extremely dazzling.

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I said, what are you doing? I deserve it. It's easy for me to go in.

Grandma doesn't look at me either. She said, I deserve it and didn't teach you well. Alas, I don't know how many times I can kneel for you in my life. Life is worthless.

to be honest, I really want Grandma to beat me up.

it wouldn't hurt as much as it does now.

I feel like my heart has been gouged out.

from that day on, I changed.

nothing else. I can't let Grandma kneel for me.

I can't be a promising person, or at least a person who listens to my grandmother.

10

in 2007, we completed a four-star hotel.

I hired to be a waitress.

I am EnglishSpoken English is good, as a receptionist. Life has changed. The manager is very good, cultivate me attentively.

in 2009, I became the lobby manager.

I felt that I was mature in all aspects, so I went to Taiyuan to see my brother and my mother.

my mother invited me to dinner and solved my confusion for many years.

it turns out that my mother and Gu have known each other for a long time.

because my father is away from home all the year round, my mother has an affair with him.

at that time, the surname Gu was not developed. Later, he went to Taiyuan, made a career there, married a wife and gave birth to two daughters.

after my father died, he happened to come back to run errands and met my mother, and the two fell in love again.

my grandmother objected at that time because she knew she had a family. She can't accept my mother as a mistress.

but no one thought that when Gu Li saw my brother, he always felt like him.

later, the days are also front and back.

maybe there is such a thing as blood connection.

my mother quietly asked them to do a paternity test, and it turned out that my brother was really his son.

however, the wife surnamed Gu is very good at home. He is where he is today, and his mother's family has also made a lot of efforts.

so this marriage is impossible to divorce. The two men knew they were having an affair, but no one told them.

and my mother chose to be a well-behaved mistress.

11

my mother told me that she did not abandon me.

it was Grandma who wouldn't let her contact me.

she said she gave money to grandma, but grandma didn't want it.

she asked me, can you understand Mom?

I nodded silently, but I said nothing.

I can understand her.

as a woman, my father failed her youth and beauty.

but that doesn't mean I'll forgive her.

after all, she is a mother, my mother.

she gave birth to me and shouldn't have left such a big wound in my heart.

my brother said that he wanted to give me the lucky money, but in fact, my mother wanted him to transfer it to me.

now think about it, thanks to that damn self-esteem, I am too embarrassed to take my brother's money.

otherwise, I will feel dirty.

on the way back, I kept thinking about my grandmother. She knew how much she was going to suffer when she knew the truth.

my own grandson, who has been raised for many years, is an outsider's and has nothing to do with me.

and she can only keep it in her heart and make it a secret.

that's when I decided never to see my mother again.

she has come to an end in my heart, whether it is beautiful or ugly, it is the end.

my grandmother and I have depended on each other since I was 12 years old, and now we are the only ones who depend on each other.

12

in the next few years, my work went up and down.

but in love, you are always alone.

Grandma doesn't have to set up a stall. All her energy is on finding someone for me.

but I found that there was a black hole in my heart.

every time I get married, I resist desperately, as if someone is trying to push me off a cliff.

I was scolded by the man's family for being ill several times.

Grandma is very angry. I told her to leave me alone. I was fine with her for the rest of my life.

she said, can I live to be 200? What will you do when I die?

but it really happened all of a sudden that the old man fell ill.

he wanted to invite Grandma, but I didn't. He is a good boy, thinking about me and grandma all the time.

but I don't want Grandma to get hurt again.

and then it will be 2018.

Grandma was in her 70s that year.

I went on a trip to Wuyi Mountain with me and said goodbye by the way.

We moved to a house on the second floor before. Now I regret it. The second floor is also a building.

it's not convenient to do anything. I'm trying to change the elevator room again.

but Grandma can't wait.

13

Grandma's brain became more and more confused, and she couldn't eat.

the doctor could not find any specific problems, but only said that all aspects of function were deteriorating.

I thought about it and called my brother.

he has always wanted to meet his grandmother, but I have always disagreed.